Find your kind
I woke up heart hurt today. That doesn’t happen very often for me, not to say that I don’t ever get that ‘wrong side of the bed’ feeling that we all do, but today it was much more profound than was normal. I felt weary, close to tears all morning and my mind was on overdrive.
I call it fuzzy brain. My thoughts were so heavy with anxiety, fear and unfounded sorrow that trying to lighten it was like trying to run in water. I practised some healthy spine flow to try and get my body and spirit aligned but I just couldn’t drop into my breath, my meditation afterwards was interrupted so frequently with thoughts that my mind was like a bored Saturday night in, flicking through images and thoughts like hopping through channels.
So, I did my usual trick: I analysed the heck out of it. The night before I had been to see some old school friends I hadn’t seen in years and life had been difficult for all of us. Mental health issues, death, the whole enchilada had gone on during the years we had been estranged, and over a glass of wine we got caught up with each other’s timelines.
I went into the evening feeling at peace, happy to see these girls again who, at one stage, had been my bread and butter. It was lovely, so much laughter and heartfelt emotion, but flickering throughout the evening was the fear pang, the one that feels like an elastic band snapping and dropping from a great height and hangs out in your stomach.
Hanging out with those girls brought back so much nostalgia for me, about how I used to be and how I used to see the world. Back in the day, exceptionally high levels of anxiety, jealousy and a lack of self-worth were just a list of the things I’d feel before breakfast. Kindness for myself and for others was often something I left behind, not because I didn’t want to be, but because there simply wasn’t enough space in my heart to hold it as a priority. Not having seen these girls since I was in that head space made me worry, was I going to fall back into old patterns of behaviour as easily as I floated seamlessly back into these girls’ lives?
So, this morning after analysing my feelings and fuzzy brain over a bowl of granola, I headed off to work. I put on Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent by Ru Paul and a penny circled around and around my head and dropped suddenly down the base of my neck (I fully recommend you listen to it if you are having a heavy heart day, it will change your life).
What if I actually am enough as I am right now, fuzzy brain and all? What if my freak out and self-critical nature of that night was born from a place of wanting to do the right thing, of wanting to be good and to show love to people who I hadn’t been able to over the years? What if my heavy heart was out of fear of not showing myself love, a grieving and sadness for the years of hurt I showed myself which in turn lead to damaged relationships which I myself often destroyed.
That morning I was sad, so sad, because I saw people that needed love and kindness and I hadn’t been there to give it to them. But after turning on my Spotify and head-rolling it out in my car, I realised that I can’t beat myself up, because then I really would be dropping back into the old ways. The negative self-talk. The harsh critique. Today, I was going to be enough. I was going to be present in how I felt and I was going to do the kindest thing – let the past go and love today.
Sometimes, the kindest thing to do is let your heart shine out and let it light the faces of others.
Jai Namaste, and may you find your kind today.